Blogging is cheaper than therapy...

Hi. My name is Laurie. And I'm a Food-a-holic.
I spend about 95% of my awake hours thinking about food in some way. 

I haven't taken the time yet to 'Google' the symptoms of OCD...but for sure I am at the very least, borderline. It never leaves my mind. A love-hate relationship that is certainly going to end in my loss of sanity. I wake up thinking about what I want to eat, what I wish I could eat, what I should eat, and what I shouldn't eat. I spend the day feeling either great about managing to get through a day in 'control' of the cravings (but depressed and deprived at the same time), or feeling bad that I let them control me. I make excuses all day long about why it is ok to eat the things I shouldn't. I watch other people eat and feel envious that they are eating 'bad' food, and look perfectly comfortable doing it. I even eat secretly. Like, somehow the calories are not going to count if nobody sees me. I walk through Costco on my 'high horse'...strutting through the food court looking repulsed that people are sitting there shovelling those giant quantities of fries and ice cream in to their bodies...when in actual fact, I want to sit with them and do the same thing...But I don't. Why? Because I want sooo bad to be healthy and fit. I work SO hard at it. I don't feel like I ever get anywhere, but I keep on truckin'.

I watch documentaries on food, farming, prescriptions, sugar and addictions. I feel angry and frustrated when I learn about industrial farming, high-fructose corn syrup, the correlation between farming and government. Immediately after, I want nothing more then to go completely organic. To remove sugar from my diet 100%, and to be one of those 'granola crunchers' as my brother calls them. That usually lasts about an hour. Then back to dreaming about poutine, Dorito's, and cookie-dough ice cream.

I have found one system that has helped me called Isagenix. When I get my head in the right place and find the strength to focus, I do very well. I lose a few pounds in a short time, feel great and energized. But when I fall off that wagon, I fall hard. From shakes and vitamins, to tubs of icing and fries with gravy. And 'falling off the wagon' can be becuase of something as simple as knowing that I am going out to dinner in with friends in a few days. As soon as I know I am going to be 'bad', something crazy happens in my brain. I start eating and can't stop. All day every day leading up to that dinner. Like 'oh, I'm going to eat something bad on Friday anyway, so I guess the week is blown. Might as well fill my boots!'

I decided to start this blog for a few reasons. I often find myself wanting so bad to tell people what I ate, or what I want to eat, or even just what I am thinking. I feel like it would be therapeutic...a 'load off' so to speak. But really, who cares? lol I'm also ashamed of this weakness. I feel I should be stronger. More in control.  I do have a therapist. OMG, I love her. I talk and talk and talk. She is the only person in the world I am so open with. I tell her everything. Except how emotionally tied I am to food. I think I feel that because I only get 5 hours a year covered by my insurance, I shouldn't get in to it. Cause that just ain't enough time.

This Sunday, I am going to, once again, attempt to redirect myself. Get back on Isagenix, quit the sugar and junk, get back in to cleansing regularily, and hopefully, after a few very hard and painful days, curb the cravings and get back to a healthy lifestyle. Oh man, if I lost a pound for every time I have said these words! Seriously though, I have a marathon coming up I need to be super fit and healthy for, summer is coming, and I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about what I see.

So, I am going to use this blog, hopefully daily. I am going to try and write down my health/food/exercise related thoughts and frustrations. I want to be able to see food as a fuel, not as a reward or punishment or luxury. It is meant to be fuel. I wish when I could have a more robotic response to hunger..and simply and naturally fuel my body with healthy food.. Why does this come naturally to some and yet, feel impossible to others? I do my best to make the right choices, but honestly, I have never craved a salad.....